Not Understanding the Flowers in My Heart

My lips want to burn against yours
sparks would fly around the room
full of twinkling lights that are stars in the air
A perfect match would have been made
at that moment
The petals of the rose are still together
for the hope
Everyone else says it's just a phase
they don't care about the inner feelings
that are deep in the heart
They all think that the feelings will be forgotten
why would they say a thing like that?
There are all kinds of definitions of love
They just don't understand me
they are too busy with their lives
not paying attention to mine
I'm experimenting the feelings that are welled up inside
feeling like a dried flower lying on the cold floor
lonely, used, and old
the bloom spirit died into the dust
there is no way back to health
trying to breathe the damp air
The room is still, so dark
no life was to bring this flower back
All spirits left without a trace
all gone, all alone, with no where to go
Lying on the floor
long forgotten
Regrets fly around the room
thirst for water, being drowned by air
That flower is my heart
People do not understand my feelings for you
so fragile to keep inside
Secrets to keep in my heart
disappointment comes through
telling me to be open, honest
Still, they don't understand


Written in 1998
Ah me, as a teenager and being heavily influence of the lyrics by Stevie Nicks, Courtney Love, and raging hormones.

But I Always Felt I Was

I wasn't around when the Beatles met
I wasn't around when the Beatles made their first record
I wasn't around when the Beatles first landed in the United States
I wasn't around when the Beatles made their first movie
I wasn't around when the Beatles performed their last concert
I wasn't around when the Beatles broke up
But I always felt I was


I wasn't around when John Lennon died
I was born nearly a year later
I have mixed feelings about that
Half is glad, because I didn't get to feel the raw pain
Half is sad, because I wasn't around during his lifetime
But I always felt I was


When December 8 comes around
my house grows gloomy
my mom remembers
the anniversary of his tragic death
she has this sadness in her
the radio is filled with his music
I sing along
the TV is filled with footage of his life
I watched
but then, I feel the same sadness that my mom feels
I started to cry
because the pain is that strong


Then November 29 comes around
it felt like a normal day
but something is missing
then I found out why
the next day, it was announced
George Harrison died
It was during the aftermath of September 11th
it was the only day that no one spoke about a war
instead it was quiet with only music playing
realizing that there are only two left


I never felt so empty
I never met them
yet I always felt that they were a part of my family
I grew up listening to them since birth
I spent most of my life learning about their lives
I managed to see Ringo Starr in concert twice*
I fought my way to see Paul McCartney in concert
despite my life's schedule
but I would do anything to see one in concert


Now, I still feel that empty pain
Every time I see a movie or listen to a song
it's there and it won't go away
But then again, the Beatles could never leave
there may be only two left with us
but there will always be the Fab Four among us
Forever


Written in 2002
*update: I have seen Ringo Starr now 4 times and also Paul McCartney 4 times. Other than that, nothing else has changed. Still all valid.

On the Road

My feeling goes through a pressure
something I am not sure
I'm on the road all the time
I have been cut down from my prime
My family and friends who I miss so
but I have to do this show
On the road, it could be fun
but I am afraid to be shot down by a gun
Strangers and company surround me
I didn't really that there's so many places to see
On the road, it could be hell
I think it would be better if I fell
this tour is making me feel hate
and losing my strong fate
Oh, please, get me off this awful road way
I will promise to stay away
On the road to boredom
this is not my freedom
from my own magical kingdom
which I hope to come
I need to be in therapy
that is where I want to be
I don't want this to be my life code
so I gotta get away from the road


Written in 1998
I was watching way too much of "Behind the Music". Dedicated to all the musicians who find that life on the road is difficult.

It Seems to Be

I try to reach you every hour
our bond is losing power
You keep disappearing away
I'd have no idea what to say
Only out of the blue
do I hear from you
But, it seems that you are pulling away
you want to go your own separate way
I keep pinching myself, hoping that this is just a dream
now, I'm getting used to talking to your answering machine
It seems that you have nothing to do with me
the reasons are not hard to see
You are not there when I need you the most
you are beginning to be like a ghost
You are the same person, yet different
you are making me feel like I am not important
I feel like that I can not trust you anymore
you never acted this way before
I do understand your point of view
but, I just not able to reach you
You are a wonderful and generous person
I only can't get most of your attention
It seems to be that you want to change
not letting us know that you rearrange
For another life to enter
putting someone else in the center
Nevermind the pain you made
to the unknown future you laid
It seems to be you moved on without me


Written in 2000


UPDATE
But now, you are back
we could all relax
I know that you are in pain
he broke away from your chain
Having you back in our arms
bringing back to the familiar charms
All of us are happy for you
this can not be true!


Written in 2002
Dedicated to my Grandmother and her ex-boyfriend.

Stairs Are My Enemy

Flashback: when I was 12 and in the 6th grade, it was raining and dark on a school day. At the time, it had those “portable” classrooms as an expansion to the main school. The classroom had these steel-like stairs. I suppose I thought I was rather invincible and so as we were leaving to go to the cafeteria for lunch, I jumped one by one on the stairs. On the final step down, I slipped and fell. I got up and proceeded to follow my class for lunch. At first, I didn't feel any pain- perhaps I was in shock and denial. During lunch, I felt my left foot starting to throb in pain. I wasn't too worried, after all, I expected pain from that kind of fall so I ignored it. Not long after we returned to class, the pain grew worst enough to go to the office to call my mom to pick me up. I had to go in the dark rain to and back, mind you. I called my mom and she left work to pick me up. She always been puzzled on why didn't I call my grandmother? She was living down the street (across from where we lived) so yes, it did make sense for me to call the closest relative for help. Except, I didn't want my grandmother. I wanted my mommy. Well, my mom worked pretty far, maybe 40 minutes away and had to go through the dark rain to get to me… it was at that moment that my mom decided we needed to move so she could be reasonable closer in case of another emergency. I went back to class to wait for the intercom announcement (that was always cool to hear your name over the speaker telling you to go home… not so much to report to the office). Anyway, Mom took me to the hospital. She wasn't happy either. Not just because of the long distance from work to school, but on how I wasn't wailing in pain. I guess she thought my foot was broken and heard, “When I broke my leg, I cried!” However, I didn't think my left foot was broken and was okay when I didn't move it. But something was wrong! At the hospital, I did X-rays and my foot was sprained. It got wrapped and I was given crutches. I took a good week off from school and was watched over by my grandmother.

Recent: on Thursday night (Jan. 24th) a slight deja Vu happened… this time, it was in a home, on carpet covered stairs, and I wasn't jumping. I was concentrating on my chores, which was to take out the garbage for the next day’s pickup. I was about midway down when I lost my balance, slipped, and slid down the stairs, landing on my right foot. It hurt so bad right away! No delayed pain or shock, it was instant. I got comfy on the couch, got my foot elevated with an ice pack. It was very clear that I wasn't going to work the next day… On Saturday, I couldn't take the pain anymore as it felt much worst, I was getting to the point of believing my foot was broken, so to Urgent Care I went with my mom meeting me there. I even drove there myself, using my painful foot although my left helped pushing down the brake pedal. As it turns out, my foot wasn't broken. It was a bad sprain. I was given bandage, a splint with icy gels in, and prescription medication, as well as orders to rest. No work for me until Friday.

To this day, I've never broke any bones, but both my feet have been through sprains (25 years apart). Thanks to my enemy: the stairs.

Bohemian Rhapsody: The Movie

My first movie review! I have never done this before and more than likely won't do this again. I am not a big movie person. Sure, I watch them. I do go on occasion go to a movie theater and once in a while watch on TV. But I am not a movie buff.

Remi Malek as Freddie Mercury

The real Freddie Mercury

 Last night (November 2, 2018), I went to see Bohemian Rhapsody, about the life of Freddie Mercury. I have been dying to see this movie from the very moment I first saw the trailer! Heck, I was at the point of camping out of the theater and becoming a tenant, that's how excited I was! Before the news of green-lighting, casting, and such, it was like 'yeah, whatever’ and had confidence that since Brian May and Roger Taylor were going to be hands-on on the project, I knew it would be in good hands. But… there is always a but… sometimes projects fail. It doesn't have to be about the casting or productive crew: it could be about chemistry with the actors who are portraying the band. Could they capture the magical bond and tightness that made Queen? Or would they be stiff, awkward, and just doing this to cash a check before moving on to the next thing? Luckily, my hesitance wasn't to be worrisome. From what I gathered on social media, especially Instagram, the actors playing the members of Queen got along and have become part of the Queen family; two of them (Rami and Joe) knew each other for over a decade after working together before. In the beginning of the film project, Sacha Baron Cohen was supposed to play Freddie, but that casting failed when Sacha, Brian and Roger couldn't see eye to eye. From my understanding, Sacha wanted to explore the dark side of Freddie while Brian and Roger wanted to be a celebration of Freddie's life. It is strange that Sacha would want to explore the dark side considering his comedic history… plus, I think Sacha is rather too old for the part (don't get me started on Kevin Spacey as Bobby Darin!). Sacha is currently 47 while Freddie lived up to 45; meanwhile Remi Malek is 37 and can easily pass playing a man in his twenties.

Now, I don't want to be a nitpicker to point out all the inaccuracies- every single biopics have them. From characters that don't exist (like Ray Foster played by Mike Myers) or mixing up dates of actual events (Freddie and John Deacon did not join Queen at the same time- more like a year apart). I do realize that with biopic movies, you can't cram everything in a two hour space “limit”... Maybe except Titanic for being 3 hours long (yet Jack and Rose were made up characters). Besides, Rolling Stone already did the majority nitpicking for me. So, here's my little list of nitpicking that wasn't covered in Rolling Stone magazine:

1. John Deacon did not sing on any of the Queen's songs, as in the movie, he sang backup on Bohemian Rhapsody (the song). John admitted he couldn't sing and Roger backed him up. John would only sing backup vocals on tour.
2. Freddie knew very well since the beginning of Queen after John joined of what he was studying in college of electrical engineering. In the film, Freddie had no clue what John's backup specialty was until the 1980s when Freddie wanted a solo career. John used to help set up equipment for their early gigs and if something went wrong, John fixed it… so, yes, Freddie knew exactly what John was learning to do as the same with Brian in astrology physics and Roger in dentistry. He even invented his own amplifier that Brian still uses to this very day.
3. Besides Mary Austin, there were three other wives: Veronica Deacon, Chrissie May, and Dominique Taylor. While they had bit parts (understandably so as the movie was about Freddie, not the band as whole), they weren't credited. Their biggest part was participating in the formation of We Will Rock You. I didn't see their names at the end credits… if there were, I was probably wiping tears from my eyes at that point. I am curious on how Brian's current wife Anita Dobson felt on the peck-kiss moment between Brian and Chrissie in the movie considering she later broke up their long marriage.

There was one glaring mistake on the film: there was no credit to John. It's been mentioned several times that the surviving Queen members were executive producers… well, Brian and Roger were credited. But not John. I get John has backed away from any Queen projects and tours other than signing his name on documents for approval since Freddie died in 1991. But that's just it: John still has 25% stake in Queen. This movie project, and all other projects, couldn't be released without his approval signature. Maybe not get the Executive Producer credit, but at most, get a Thank You credit along with Freddie's longtime assistant Peter Freestone. Joe (who plays John) did acknowledge that John sent a best of luck letter to the producer and supports it from a far-away distance.

Gwilym Lee, Ben Hardy, Remi, and Joseph Mazzello

Now, my review: I simply loved it! It is something I will want to see over and over again, buy the soundtrack, the DVD, watch it on TV when it airs. The hair, the costumes, the set of going back to the 1970s and 1980s, all done a wonderful job! I thought Ben Hardy (Roger), Joseph Mazzello, and Gwilym Lee (Brian) did an excellent job of channeling their characters and the resemblance, especially with Joe/John and Gwilym/Brian, is staggering phenomenal to the point where I thought it was really Brian and John! Even Brian felt the same way. I also enjoyed Lucy Boynton as Mary Austin, showing the complicated love story between Mary and Freddie… well, maybe not complicated… if Freddie had been straight and not gay, he would have married Mary and without a doubt would still be alive today. Mary was and still is Freddie's love of his life. He confirmed many times that Mary was important to him, she was practically in the wife status and when he died, Freddie left ¾ of his estate, including his home, to Mary. It's only complicated due to Freddie's sexuality. Remi's performance is remarkable and I will not be surprised if there's Oscars heading towards Bohemian Rhapsody. I did laugh, I did cry, I did quietly sang along (unfortunately I wasn't the only one in the movie theater or else I would be singing loudly). Plus, I did awed over the cats! I always love that Freddie was into cats and how funny that Remi is allergic (well, not funny, but ironic).

I Stand With Lindsey

In April of 2018, I was (and still am) stunned by the news that Fleetwood Mac fired Lindsey Buckingham. Why? Over the timing of the tour, according to most sources. Pretty lame if you ask me, and I do believe there is a lot more to the story. Mick Fleetwood, Stevie Nicks, John and Christine McVie wanted to go out right away to tour, with no album to support, right away. Meanwhile, Lindsey wanted to wait near the end of the year- only by a couple of months. But, in particular, Mick and Stevie got their panties in a bunch and Lindsey got fired. I have so many problems with this. I could have written about this sooner when it happened but I wanted to see if anything came to light and see if my opinion changed from then to now. So far, my opinion then is the same as now. Here's what kills me: Fleetwood Mac KNOWS that Lindsey is one of their best players. He is very much a talented guitarist with a very unique style that no other guitar player has; sadly, Lindsey is underrated with the likes of Eric Clapton, Jimi Hendrix, Slash, and Jimmy Page floating around. Not to mention having Stevie around with her popularity eclipsing the rest of the group. Now, for the record, I will be very harsh on Stevie and Mick in this post but I do not hate them. In fact, I am very sad about this. My respect for them has dwindled since April. Like they did in 1987 by replacing Lindsey with two guitar players: Rick Vito (who handled the vocals) and Billy Burnette. Now, again, Lindsey got replaced by two guitar players: Mike Campbell and Neil Finn (who will handle the vocals).

“Lindsey Buckingham will not be performing with the band on this tour. The band wishes Lindsey all the best … Fleetwood Mac has always been a creative evolution. We look forward to honoring that spirit on this upcoming tour.” Fleetwood Mac

Later in the month of April, the newly renovated band spoke a little bit on Lindsey's leave… well, they kinda had to because the press certainly won't ignore it!

“We were supposed to go into rehearsal in June and he wanted to put it off until November [2019]. That’s a long time. I just did 70 shows [on a solo tour]. As soon as I finish one thing, I dive back into another. Why would we stop? We don’t want to stop playing music. We don’t have anything else to do. This is what we do.” Stevie

“Our relationship has always been volatile. We were never married, but we might as well have been. Some couples get divorced after 40 years. They break their kids’ hearts and destroy everyone around them because it’s just hard. This is sad for me, but I want the next 10 years of my life to be really fun and happy. I want to get up every day and dance around my apartment and smile and say, ‘Thank God for this amazing life.’” Stevie

Oh Stevie… I will save my piece of mind on her a little later. But seriously, what's wrong with waiting another year? Are they afraid to die when they don't tour? Mick, John, Christine, and Stevie are all in their 70s; Lindsey isn't far behind (in his late 60s). Surely they could use the year to take a break: spend time with families, travel, write new songs, sleep in till noon. All I can think of for this urgency to tour is that somebody in the band it broke, and touring makes money. Anyway, apparently the band is uncomfortable with the word “fired”.

“Words like ‘fired’ are ugly references as far as I’m concerned. Not to hedge around, but we arrived at the impasse of hitting a brick wall. This was not a happy situation for us in terms of the logistics of a functioning band. To that purpose, we made a decision that we could not go on with him. Majority rules in term of what we need to do as a band and go forward.” Mick

A month after being fired, Lindsey did a solo performance and spoke publicly about his departure:

"I have sadly taken leave of my band of 43 years, Fleetwood Mac. This was not something that was really my doing or my choice. I think what you would say is that there were factions within the band that had lost their perspective. It harmed the 43-year legacy that we had worked so hard to build and that legacy was really about rising above difficulties in order to fulfill one’s higher truth and one’s higher destiny.”

“I was surprised to hear the news because it happened after I went back to London that the decision was made. But life moves on and I wanted to carry on with these guys.” Christine

“Please don’t blame Christine McVie for what happened to Lindsey. After texting with Chris I am convinced that whatever went down between Stevie & Lindsey was to personal, complex, hurtful & deep for her to have affected the outcome in any meaningful way. She has a heavy heart…” Richard Dashut, Fleetwood Mac producer and friend

I am not angry nor do I cast blame on John and Christine McVie. In recent years, John underwent cancer treatments and if you put John on a sailing boat, he will be happy. I don't believe in any shape or form that John and Christine had anything to do with Lindsey's firing.

“Obviously this is a huge change with the advent of Lindsey Buckingham not being a part of Fleetwood Mac. We all wish him well and all the rest of it. In truthful language, we just weren’t happy. And I’ll leave it at that in terms of the dynamic. And he’s going out on the road more or less the same time I think -- not in the same places, I hope.” Mick

So… Lindsey is planning his solo tour just as Fleetwood Mac are going out on tour… Well, that does not make any sense at all! If Lindsey wanted to wait until 2019 to tour, why is he going now? Hmmmm? Seriously, I think this disagreement could have found a solution, a compromise, and Lindsey would still be part of Fleetwood Mac. On social media, Lindsey's wife was not happy with Mick’s quote and used his initials MF a new meaning of Mother-Fucker.

What I think it's really about is favoritism.

Let's recap in gist: in 2015, Christine rejoined Fleetwood Mac after 16 years since her own departure (she quit) with a big tour of their greatest hits as a five piece band after the previous tour as a four-piece band performing greatest hits. In general, Fleetwood Mac hadn't had a record out since early 2000s. After the Christine reunion tour, the plan was for the members to go in the studio to work on a new album. But Stevie decided to go on her own tour, which she felt was overdue for her 24 Karat Gold album. Lindsey and Christine went in for a head start but instead of a Fleetwood Mac album, it turned into a Buckingham McVie album since Stevie was too busy handling her solo career. So, during 2017, Lindsey and Christine went on their own tour. Earlier this year, Fleetwood Mac reunited for their honor in MusiCares, which turned out to be Lindsey's last concert with the band.

Now, here's my problem with Stevie: why didn't Mick fired Stevie last year when she wanted to concentrate on her solo tour? To me, this is the same, and fair, deal. Stevie didn't want to enter the studio to contribute her own share of songs when Lindsey and Christine went in. Mick and John did appear in the Buckingham McVie album- it was intended to be a Fleetwood Mac album! Here is Christine, all fresh and ready to dive back in with new songs, and Stevie was the one out of the band that deeply missed Christine… but instead of going in the studio all excited to work with Christine on new songs, Stevie said no, time for solo stuff. Fast forward to this year in 2018 when Lindsey wants to hold off on touring, just as Stevie wanted to hold off on recording, and what happened? He got fired. What's up with that? In my mind, it's favoritism. Mick favors Stevie over Lindsey. Now, as much as Stevie does bring to the band with songwriting, vocals, allure, beauty, attention, etc., Lindsey contributes more to the band with songwriting, guitar, vocals, producing, mixing, a dedicated and loyal hands on approach. He has more recording attendance days than Stevie does! Stevie once described her relationship with Mick like best friends- able to hang out, watch a movie, and talk into the early hours of the morning discussing things under the sun while her relationship with Lindsey was anything but buddies. I should also add that Mick and Stevie once had an affair around 1977, 1978 that was passionate yet could have destroyed the band if it had continued on. Perhaps Mick thought that if he fired Stevie, not only would the fans freak out and create it into controversy, it would be poor ticket sales. Stevie did quit the band around 1990 and Fleetwood Mac tried to go on without her but with minimal success, like playing at fairgrounds.  Firing Lindsey was a better choice for him. After all, Lindsey did quit the band in 1987, over, ironically, touring. Indeed, Fleetwood Mac is known to have revolving door- as long as it isn't Mick or John (as the band is named after their last names) then everybody is replaceable; Christine, Lindsey, and Stevie joined the already made band and have left it too. Christine from 1999 until 2015, Stevie from 1990 until 1997, Lindsey from 1987 until 1997 with the exception of both Lindsey and Stevie in 1994 to reunited for Clinton Presidential inauguration ball, and now Lindsey again in 2018. I highly doubtful that he will ever rejoin again. Fleetwood Mac is said to be on their last legs with this pending tour, maybe a new album with Mike and Neil. So if Fleetwood Mac could go without Lindsey then, they certainly can go out without him now. As for me… when Lindsey was in the band, I did consider going to the concert. But since he isn't, then my money will go elsewhere.