My Favorite Friend

 I remember Friends being on, 1994-2004. Honestly I wasn't a very loyal viewer. I didn't really get into it until they were in mid-life. Then I watched it off and on until the last 2, 3 seasons. I remember my Aunt being a big dedicated fan. I definitely remember the hype of Jennifer Aniston's romance with Brad Pitt and Courteney Cox's romance with David Arquette being splashed over on every media magazine possible. It wasn't until after it ended when I became a 'dedicated' fan when I collected the entire run of seasons on DVD. I remember one particular birthday while there was a Hurricane (Jeanne) visiting and I spent the entire day watching a marathon of Friends. Chandler (played by Matthew Perry) was my favorite male Friend, Phoebe (played by Lisa Kudrow) was my favorite female Friend. I felt more relatable with Chandler, a female version of Chandler I sometimes felt. Especially the humor and fear of commitment (unlike Chandler, I wasn't in many romantic relationships, never been married - and I'm fine with it.... or maybe I am the female version of Matthew Perry? Minus the drug and alcohol addiction). Whatever relating it may be, I was definitely drawn to Chandler and Matthew. I definitely found Matthew to be a very handsome man, attractive. 

I wouldn't call myself a dedicated fan of Matthew's, though I did see Fools Rush In (my high school even played the movie on those "off" days; I remember one summer a teacher would have movie day once a week) and his guest appearance on Scrubs is one of my favorite Scrubs episodes (which he directed, including co-staring with his father, John Bennett Perry). I also watched The Kennedy's After Camelot just to watch Matthew - it turned out to be his final acting role before a series of drug addiction and health scares took its toll. I just recently binged into his version of The Odd Couple (too bad it only lasted three seasons, I enjoyed it; Thomas Lennon did a great Felix). I watched the Friends reunion with a dear friend of mine. Poor Matthew had just gotten his teeth yanked out due to their bad conditions and was replaced by fake teeth. The pain he must've felt - his face did look twisted in pain. Of course the criticism over his drug addiction was there, believing he was strung out. Luckily for Matthew, there were paparazzi photos of  him going to the Dentist to help back him up. The taping of Friends reunion happened almost a year after Covid (2021) and this was a done deal; Matthew had to muster all this strength to make it and pretend he was fine while his jaw/mouth was on fire. He did look happy to be there. Bless him.

In November of 2022, Matthew published his memoir. I remember him being on the cover of People magazine and buying it - he looked so good. Never would I ever thought we would have lost him almost a year later. I didn't buy his book when it came out. I did intend to, but, honestly, me going to a bookstore went from (past) going weekly to (present) every few months. I could've ordered online, sure, but usually I reserve that for vintage books that you can't find in a bookstore or the library. His memoir was the Best Seller, so Matthew enjoyed its success, making appearances and book tours (unfortunately not in my area). A year later, almost exactly to the date his memoir was published, it went back on the #1 Best Seller list - second year in a row ... unfortunately, he wasn't here to see a new popularity the second time around. For some reason, when a (especially beloved) celebrity dies, their work catalog gets popular again. 

Hearing the news of his death ... At first, it was almost like a shrug off, Oh well type. I was washing dishes. The news sunk in deeply afterwards, and the grief also went deep. The news was becoming more real by the second, I soon watched live TikToks of outside his home as it was happening - his body was still there. By 2 AM my time, I had to cut it off as I had to get up to go to work. I did debate to take a day off.... then I said nope, as I thought it would look ridiculous to take someone's death, someone I never met, seriously to take a day off. I pushed those days during that first week through - but I didn't hide my sadness. I was more quieter than usual, my students noticed my mood - some hugged me without snowing other than their teacher was very sad. I don't think I have felt this devastated since Robin Williams in 2014 where a celebrity death will just come to you and suddenly punch in the stomach, wounded enough not to eat much.

At this time, it's been over 6 months since Matthew passed away and he's been on my mind since. I'm starting to think he's craving his initials "MLP Here 4 Life" into my brain tissue. 

1969-2023

Where is My Life?

Fed up with my patience
turning to my conscience
trashing around the bay
without knowing what to say


Everybody telling me the story
wishing for all the glory
in my life to be perfect
however I am away causing a conflict
crying in vain
feeling my tears drain
closing my eyes from the lecture
dizzy from this torture


Wanting to be left alone
biting my skin down to the bone
trumbling with anger
risking the edge towards the danger


Lost in the words of the sea
not letting me to be free
trying to make me do what I don't want to do
they don't get my clue


They are trying to make me crack
by putting me in the sack
trapped because I won't break down
digging into my soul to the ground
letting me drown in my blood
creating an emotional flood


Stealing my misery in space
not wanting to look at my own face
sorrow has reached my eye
listening to my heart cry
crawling away in gravel
hoping that the tension unravel


Depressed most of the time
increasing the thoughts in my mind
alone in the darkness with a knife
Where is my life?


Written in 2002.
I wouldn't say I was being suicidal... overdramatic, but not suicidal. At the time, I was around 21 years old and still wasn't driving. My whole family was flabbergasted to put it kindly. They had all gotten their licenses when they were 15, 16 years old and here I was, 21 and no license. Unlike them, I just did not want to drive. I was scared. I was, and still is, the only one who lived near busy streets and those are not easy to practice on! The rest of them were raised and lived in areas that were quiet, residential. Plus, a guy that I had a massive crush on died in a car accident when he was 17 (I was 16) so that really put a damper on driving. It took me until I was 22 to finally get a license. I like going at my own speed and apparently my own speed never impress my family's qualifications. I suppose it's safe to say that I am the black sheep of my family? The weirdo.

Not Understanding the Flowers in My Heart

My lips want to burn against yours
sparks would fly around the room
full of twinkling lights that are stars in the air
A perfect match would have been made
at that moment
The petals of the rose are still together
for the hope
Everyone else says it's just a phase
they don't care about the inner feelings
that are deep in the heart
They all think that the feelings will be forgotten
why would they say a thing like that?
There are all kinds of definitions of love
They just don't understand me
they are too busy with their lives
not paying attention to mine
I'm experimenting the feelings that are welled up inside
feeling like a dried flower lying on the cold floor
lonely, used, and old
the bloom spirit died into the dust
there is no way back to health
trying to breathe the damp air
The room is still, so dark
no life was to bring this flower back
All spirits left without a trace
all gone, all alone, with no where to go
Lying on the floor
long forgotten
Regrets fly around the room
thirst for water, being drowned by air
That flower is my heart
People do not understand my feelings for you
so fragile to keep inside
Secrets to keep in my heart
disappointment comes through
telling me to be open, honest
Still, they don't understand


Written in 1998
Ah me, as a teenager and being heavily influence of the lyrics by Stevie Nicks, Courtney Love, and raging hormones.

But I Always Felt I Was

I wasn't around when the Beatles met
I wasn't around when the Beatles made their first record
I wasn't around when the Beatles first landed in the United States
I wasn't around when the Beatles made their first movie
I wasn't around when the Beatles performed their last concert
I wasn't around when the Beatles broke up
But I always felt I was


I wasn't around when John Lennon died
I was born nearly a year later
I have mixed feelings about that
Half is glad, because I didn't get to feel the raw pain
Half is sad, because I wasn't around during his lifetime
But I always felt I was


When December 8 comes around
my house grows gloomy
my mom remembers
the anniversary of his tragic death
she has this sadness in her
the radio is filled with his music
I sing along
the TV is filled with footage of his life
I watched
but then, I feel the same sadness that my mom feels
I started to cry
because the pain is that strong


Then November 29 comes around
it felt like a normal day
but something is missing
then I found out why
the next day, it was announced
George Harrison died
It was during the aftermath of September 11th
it was the only day that no one spoke about a war
instead it was quiet with only music playing
realizing that there are only two left


I never felt so empty
I never met them
yet I always felt that they were a part of my family
I grew up listening to them since birth
I spent most of my life learning about their lives
I managed to see Ringo Starr in concert twice*
I fought my way to see Paul McCartney in concert
despite my life's schedule
but I would do anything to see one in concert


Now, I still feel that empty pain
Every time I see a movie or listen to a song
it's there and it won't go away
But then again, the Beatles could never leave
there may be only two left with us
but there will always be the Fab Four among us
Forever


Written in 2002
*update: I have seen Ringo Starr now 4 times and also Paul McCartney 4 times. Other than that, nothing else has changed. Still all valid.

On the Road

My feeling goes through a pressure
something I am not sure
I'm on the road all the time
I have been cut down from my prime
My family and friends who I miss so
but I have to do this show
On the road, it could be fun
but I am afraid to be shot down by a gun
Strangers and company surround me
I didn't really that there's so many places to see
On the road, it could be hell
I think it would be better if I fell
this tour is making me feel hate
and losing my strong fate
Oh, please, get me off this awful road way
I will promise to stay away
On the road to boredom
this is not my freedom
from my own magical kingdom
which I hope to come
I need to be in therapy
that is where I want to be
I don't want this to be my life code
so I gotta get away from the road


Written in 1998
I was watching way too much of "Behind the Music". Dedicated to all the musicians who find that life on the road is difficult.

It Seems to Be

I try to reach you every hour
our bond is losing power
You keep disappearing away
I'd have no idea what to say
Only out of the blue
do I hear from you
But, it seems that you are pulling away
you want to go your own separate way
I keep pinching myself, hoping that this is just a dream
now, I'm getting used to talking to your answering machine
It seems that you have nothing to do with me
the reasons are not hard to see
You are not there when I need you the most
you are beginning to be like a ghost
You are the same person, yet different
you are making me feel like I am not important
I feel like that I can not trust you anymore
you never acted this way before
I do understand your point of view
but, I just not able to reach you
You are a wonderful and generous person
I only can't get most of your attention
It seems to be that you want to change
not letting us know that you rearrange
For another life to enter
putting someone else in the center
Nevermind the pain you made
to the unknown future you laid
It seems to be you moved on without me


Written in 2000


UPDATE
But now, you are back
we could all relax
I know that you are in pain
he broke away from your chain
Having you back in our arms
bringing back to the familiar charms
All of us are happy for you
this can not be true!


Written in 2002
Dedicated to my Grandmother and her ex-boyfriend.

I Stand With Lindsey

In April of 2018, I was (and still am) stunned by the news that Fleetwood Mac fired Lindsey Buckingham. Why? Over the timing of the tour, according to most sources. Pretty lame if you ask me, and I do believe there is a lot more to the story. Mick Fleetwood, Stevie Nicks, John and Christine McVie wanted to go out right away to tour, with no album to support, right away. Meanwhile, Lindsey wanted to wait near the end of the year- only by a couple of months. But, in particular, Mick and Stevie got their panties in a bunch and Lindsey got fired. I have so many problems with this. I could have written about this sooner when it happened but I wanted to see if anything came to light and see if my opinion changed from then to now. So far, my opinion then is the same as now. Here's what kills me: Fleetwood Mac KNOWS that Lindsey is one of their best players. He is very much a talented guitarist with a very unique style that no other guitar player has; sadly, Lindsey is underrated with the likes of Eric Clapton, Jimi Hendrix, Slash, and Jimmy Page floating around. Not to mention having Stevie around with her popularity eclipsing the rest of the group. Now, for the record, I will be very harsh on Stevie and Mick in this post but I do not hate them. In fact, I am very sad about this. My respect for them has dwindled since April. Like they did in 1987 by replacing Lindsey with two guitar players: Rick Vito (who handled the vocals) and Billy Burnette. Now, again, Lindsey got replaced by two guitar players: Mike Campbell and Neil Finn (who will handle the vocals).

“Lindsey Buckingham will not be performing with the band on this tour. The band wishes Lindsey all the best … Fleetwood Mac has always been a creative evolution. We look forward to honoring that spirit on this upcoming tour.” Fleetwood Mac

Later in the month of April, the newly renovated band spoke a little bit on Lindsey's leave… well, they kinda had to because the press certainly won't ignore it!

“We were supposed to go into rehearsal in June and he wanted to put it off until November [2019]. That’s a long time. I just did 70 shows [on a solo tour]. As soon as I finish one thing, I dive back into another. Why would we stop? We don’t want to stop playing music. We don’t have anything else to do. This is what we do.” Stevie

“Our relationship has always been volatile. We were never married, but we might as well have been. Some couples get divorced after 40 years. They break their kids’ hearts and destroy everyone around them because it’s just hard. This is sad for me, but I want the next 10 years of my life to be really fun and happy. I want to get up every day and dance around my apartment and smile and say, ‘Thank God for this amazing life.’” Stevie

Oh Stevie… I will save my piece of mind on her a little later. But seriously, what's wrong with waiting another year? Are they afraid to die when they don't tour? Mick, John, Christine, and Stevie are all in their 70s; Lindsey isn't far behind (in his late 60s). Surely they could use the year to take a break: spend time with families, travel, write new songs, sleep in till noon. All I can think of for this urgency to tour is that somebody in the band it broke, and touring makes money. Anyway, apparently the band is uncomfortable with the word “fired”.

“Words like ‘fired’ are ugly references as far as I’m concerned. Not to hedge around, but we arrived at the impasse of hitting a brick wall. This was not a happy situation for us in terms of the logistics of a functioning band. To that purpose, we made a decision that we could not go on with him. Majority rules in term of what we need to do as a band and go forward.” Mick

A month after being fired, Lindsey did a solo performance and spoke publicly about his departure:

"I have sadly taken leave of my band of 43 years, Fleetwood Mac. This was not something that was really my doing or my choice. I think what you would say is that there were factions within the band that had lost their perspective. It harmed the 43-year legacy that we had worked so hard to build and that legacy was really about rising above difficulties in order to fulfill one’s higher truth and one’s higher destiny.”

“I was surprised to hear the news because it happened after I went back to London that the decision was made. But life moves on and I wanted to carry on with these guys.” Christine

“Please don’t blame Christine McVie for what happened to Lindsey. After texting with Chris I am convinced that whatever went down between Stevie & Lindsey was to personal, complex, hurtful & deep for her to have affected the outcome in any meaningful way. She has a heavy heart…” Richard Dashut, Fleetwood Mac producer and friend

I am not angry nor do I cast blame on John and Christine McVie. In recent years, John underwent cancer treatments and if you put John on a sailing boat, he will be happy. I don't believe in any shape or form that John and Christine had anything to do with Lindsey's firing.

“Obviously this is a huge change with the advent of Lindsey Buckingham not being a part of Fleetwood Mac. We all wish him well and all the rest of it. In truthful language, we just weren’t happy. And I’ll leave it at that in terms of the dynamic. And he’s going out on the road more or less the same time I think -- not in the same places, I hope.” Mick

So… Lindsey is planning his solo tour just as Fleetwood Mac are going out on tour… Well, that does not make any sense at all! If Lindsey wanted to wait until 2019 to tour, why is he going now? Hmmmm? Seriously, I think this disagreement could have found a solution, a compromise, and Lindsey would still be part of Fleetwood Mac. On social media, Lindsey's wife was not happy with Mick’s quote and used his initials MF a new meaning of Mother-Fucker.

What I think it's really about is favoritism.

Let's recap in gist: in 2015, Christine rejoined Fleetwood Mac after 16 years since her own departure (she quit) with a big tour of their greatest hits as a five piece band after the previous tour as a four-piece band performing greatest hits. In general, Fleetwood Mac hadn't had a record out since early 2000s. After the Christine reunion tour, the plan was for the members to go in the studio to work on a new album. But Stevie decided to go on her own tour, which she felt was overdue for her 24 Karat Gold album. Lindsey and Christine went in for a head start but instead of a Fleetwood Mac album, it turned into a Buckingham McVie album since Stevie was too busy handling her solo career. So, during 2017, Lindsey and Christine went on their own tour. Earlier this year, Fleetwood Mac reunited for their honor in MusiCares, which turned out to be Lindsey's last concert with the band.

Now, here's my problem with Stevie: why didn't Mick fired Stevie last year when she wanted to concentrate on her solo tour? To me, this is the same, and fair, deal. Stevie didn't want to enter the studio to contribute her own share of songs when Lindsey and Christine went in. Mick and John did appear in the Buckingham McVie album- it was intended to be a Fleetwood Mac album! Here is Christine, all fresh and ready to dive back in with new songs, and Stevie was the one out of the band that deeply missed Christine… but instead of going in the studio all excited to work with Christine on new songs, Stevie said no, time for solo stuff. Fast forward to this year in 2018 when Lindsey wants to hold off on touring, just as Stevie wanted to hold off on recording, and what happened? He got fired. What's up with that? In my mind, it's favoritism. Mick favors Stevie over Lindsey. Now, as much as Stevie does bring to the band with songwriting, vocals, allure, beauty, attention, etc., Lindsey contributes more to the band with songwriting, guitar, vocals, producing, mixing, a dedicated and loyal hands on approach. He has more recording attendance days than Stevie does! Stevie once described her relationship with Mick like best friends- able to hang out, watch a movie, and talk into the early hours of the morning discussing things under the sun while her relationship with Lindsey was anything but buddies. I should also add that Mick and Stevie once had an affair around 1977, 1978 that was passionate yet could have destroyed the band if it had continued on. Perhaps Mick thought that if he fired Stevie, not only would the fans freak out and create it into controversy, it would be poor ticket sales. Stevie did quit the band around 1990 and Fleetwood Mac tried to go on without her but with minimal success, like playing at fairgrounds.  Firing Lindsey was a better choice for him. After all, Lindsey did quit the band in 1987, over, ironically, touring. Indeed, Fleetwood Mac is known to have revolving door- as long as it isn't Mick or John (as the band is named after their last names) then everybody is replaceable; Christine, Lindsey, and Stevie joined the already made band and have left it too. Christine from 1999 until 2015, Stevie from 1990 until 1997, Lindsey from 1987 until 1997 with the exception of both Lindsey and Stevie in 1994 to reunited for Clinton Presidential inauguration ball, and now Lindsey again in 2018. I highly doubtful that he will ever rejoin again. Fleetwood Mac is said to be on their last legs with this pending tour, maybe a new album with Mike and Neil. So if Fleetwood Mac could go without Lindsey then, they certainly can go out without him now. As for me… when Lindsey was in the band, I did consider going to the concert. But since he isn't, then my money will go elsewhere.

Good Bye

Now it's time to say goodbye
as time goes by
The days went fast or slow
I write when I'm high or low
I create dreams, stories, and poems in my head
'till the day I'm alive to dead
You will stay or be gone
but you will never be done
See you wherever I'm there
so you could go anywhere
So, goodbye now

Written in 1998

Queen of Hearts, The People's Princess, and Mother

I was 15 years old (almost 16), living in an apartment with my mom. It was late in the evening, I could hear and see the TV from my bedroom and overheard something about Princess Diana being in a car crash. She was in critical condition... It wasn't very long until the news came in that she died. That prompted me to go from my room to the living room to watch. Mom was a little freaked out strange to see her shared birth year as Princess Diana plus the death year (1961-1997) while I realized that I was the same age as Prince William. Instantly, my thoughts, prayers, just about everything went to her two boys that now had to go on without their mother by their side. The following morning, the local paper had the biggest and darkest font I've never seen before: DIANA DEAD. I still have that newspaper. 

The day of her funeral, I got up early to watch. When I saw that unforgettable small bouquet in front with the card that said Mummy, I cried. I did shed tears before during that week, but that moment I bawled my eyes out. I always thought she was beautiful, worthy to have a happily ever after; I remember Diana being in just about every imaginable media out there, before and after her divorce. 

While Prince Charles was not husband of the year to Diana, I do genuinely believe that her death devastated him. All of the sudden, he became a single parent. I do think he did a splendid job with William and Harry, from the way they are today- they're very close as royals could be. Diana will never be forgotten!

My Hero, My Mentor, My Mirror

Written and published in January of 2017

Joely and Carrie

On the eve before my sister Carrie took to the sky in the silver bird that would be her transport to her dramatic and untimely end, we had a long conversation. We spoke of love, age, our children and a dozen other subjects.

When I say spoke, I mean we texted each other on our smartphones, she in London and I in Laguna Beach. But even via text, and oceans apart, we could still hear the sound of each other's voice, that distinct Fisher timber that was full of mutual admiration. I clung to her every word, as I usually did, as we all did. Talking to Carrie always made me feel more interesting by osmosis. She expressed her amazement and pride regarding the anniversary of my marriage — 20 years this past New Year’s Eve — and compared my two-decade commitment to her own somewhat less steady love life. She threw in the word “crickets.” Quintessentially Carrie.

My sister would have wanted a dramatic exit; she just might have wished for another couple of decades before making one. She told me she wanted to see this political horror play out. She likely would have crafted a sharp, piercing novel about her non-conventional goings on with this national nightmare as the backdrop. But mostly, she would have wanted us to celebrate her life, her words and for Billie to be whole. In time she will be. She is smart and soulful and magic.

We spoke of our dear mothers, Connie [Stevens] and Debbie [Reynolds], both of whom have been fragile in the past year and how our roles as daughters had changed. My own belief is that our mutual father, Eddie Fisher, was everything you heard about him: charming, wildly talented, a playboy, a gambler, lost but he gravitated toward the spectacular in wives.

In 1977, Connie bought a house in Malibu. We walked out onto this tiny deck — sand and salt everywhere — and noticed that there was a swimming pool next door. Connie asked, "Who the hell has a swimming pool on the beach?" The real estate agent giggled and said, "Debbie Reynolds.” So we spent the better part of our childhoods as neighbors, our two families right next door. I adored Mama Debbie — she was such a character. And I got another sister and a brother in the deal, right there on the beach! Eddie even came to see us all together ... once.

During our transcontinental chat before Carrie's fateful flight from London to L.A., we promised we’d spend Christmas together. It’s a promise we kept, although not in a way either of us had anticipated. Throughout the holiday, I sat by her side in a hospital room filled with a cacophony of sounds made by the machines keeping her barely alive. Debbie, of course, was there as well. She told me that she’d been praying for more time. More time for Carrie, for herself and for Connie. I knew if those prayers weren’t answered, Debbie might very well join her daughter.

Of course, Debbie loved nothing more than the spotlight. And I can imagine Carrie is having a laugh right now, rolling her eyes at the kind of crazy ending that only happens in Shakespearn tragedies … and Fisher novels. Carrie’s mom has once again stolen the show, with the ultimate “twirled up” joke (see Postcards From theEdge).

I told both my sister Fish and mama Debs about how I had just returned to the stage. I told Carrie how I wished she could see me running around, singing my tits off and shaking my moneymaker and sent her a snap of me in my cat suit to which she replied, "Dance as long as you can...then keep dancing...but remember to change your shoes."

You all lost Princess Leia and Carrie Fisher; I lost my hero, my mentor, my mirror. My brother Todd has lost his sister and his mother, whom he has said will lay to rest together. There is no universe where these ladies are not due their appropriate pedestals, and both will be memorialized in separate ceremonies in coming weeks. My sister Tricia Leigh and I vow to be whatever our niece Billie needs us to be. We will pick up the saber, use the force ... whatever. We will honor these two magical people who have left the tribe in the way they lived, with grandeur and grace. I want them back but since I know that is not possible, I will soldier on. I have changed my shoes and will keep dancing to honor these magic people.

You can't "right" this shit, but you can "write "it. And do I have a hell of a book in me.

Daughter & Mother Eternal Bond

Carrie Fisher

 When news first broke that Carrie Fisher had a heart attack while on the plane and was in stable but critical condition, I prayed for her. I was hoping that she would survive- there are heart attack survivors. 2016 had been a doozy of a year, probably more celebrity deaths than usual. It was s doozy for me personally too (at this time, I am keeping that to myself. I don't want everything about me broadcast on the Internet!). Carrie still had a lot to live for. More books to be released. Another 2 Star Wars movies (one she managed to complete; the other will have to find a way to go on without Princess Leia). More acting jobs. Carrie lived through Christmas. Her last Christmas. Still in a coma. She never woke up. Spent with her brother, sisters, daughter, and mother around her bedside. She had so many people pulling for her, wanting to survive. But... a few short days later, Carrie succumbed. She joined her father, Eddie Fisher, in Heaven.

Debbie Reynolds

   About 24 hours later, news came in that her mother, Debbie Reynolds, was rushed to the hospital on a possible stroke. In the evening, her death was announced. As it turned out, Debbie's brain hemorrhage and she had no chance. Many, including me, believe she died of a broken heart. Carrie was Debbie's first born- no question that she loved her son, Todd, just the same- but there's something about firstborns that make the bond even more special. Debbie wanted more time for Carrie during those four lingering days. The next day, she told Todd that she missed Carrie and wanted to be with her. I don't think Debbie actually wanted to die- she still had her son and her granddaughter, Carrie's daughter, Billie Lourd, to be there for. She was a grieving mother- I am sure all mothers who lost a child have felt this way. Debbie was no different. She raised Carrie and Todd on her own, literally. Their father, Eddie, drifted in and out- depending who you believe of why. Not long after she said those words, Debbie went unconscious, soon died in the hospital with her son by her side. Poor Todd and Billie, they had to plan two funerals. Yet, they were comforted by the thought that Carrie and Debbie are together again. Carrie's (half) sisters, Joely and Trisha Fisher, felt that Debbie didn't have long to live after Carrie died. Debbie probably also wanted to piss off Eddie by coming too.

I was out on errands when I received a text from a friend with news of Carrie's death. I felt like I was kicked in the stomach. I wouldn't say I am a huge fan, but I like Carrie. She had a great sense of humor and a talented actress and writer. I had to take more than one moments to pull myself together to breathe while I was barely breathing. It didn't help that I also had Aunt Flo visiting me that week. It was a sad day. The next day, it was in the evening, when I again got a text from the same friend with news of Debbie's death. I didn't gasp for breath as I did with Carrie, but my heart sank. I felt so bad for Todd and Billie, Joely and Trisha.

Rest in Peace Mary Frances Reynolds & Carrie Frances Fisher

Invisible in Chaos

Surrounded by people
They say they want to talk
Yet not being talked to
They say they are interested
Nobody to listen
They say I am included
All I got was short attention span
They are all talking
To each other and crisscross
But not to me
I might as well be invisible
I think about sneaking off
Without saying goodbye
Nobody would miss me
Or noticed I am not there
Barely an acknowledgement
Why do I bother going?
I thought it would be fun
I was wrong
They say they are concerned
Not really
Do they really care?
Maybe pretending to
Lesson learned
I am happy by my lonesome

Written in 2016

End of a Love Story... or Not?

I have been a fan of the pairing of Dante Falconeri and Lulu Spencer from the beginning when they first encountered in 2009. Since then, I survived a recast, a few breakups, a custody battle with another couple, struggles and joys of parenthood, them verses the town of Port Charles, and now infidelity and divorce. It is heartbreaking. I will admit though, I applaud Lulu and especially Dante for lasting this long without any cheating after 6 years of being devoted to each other. Of course I was angry at Dante for giving in on having sex with his wife's newly discovered cousin. It was something that his mobster boss father Sonny Corinthos would've done. Sonny has slept with a mother-daughter duo (granted not knowing about it at the time but the moment he found out, let's just say it was a Kodak moment), had babies with them (one of the babies was a stillborn), was in a relationship with his best friend and enforcer's sister, had sex and conceived a baby with an enemy (who was his son's girlfriend) on top of his other enemy and biological father of his son's grave, was in a rebound relationship with cousins... you can say that Sonny sure got around. Dante, on the other hand, didn't know that Sonny was his father until he became an adult and worked undercover in his organization- Sonny went as far as shooting him for being an undercover cop just before the father-son connection! Oy, it is a soap opera after all and infidelity is one of the rules of a good soap opera. Dante lasted a good 6 years of being a faithful boyfriend, later husband who only had eyes for Lulu. A true romantic. Unfortunately, it was a matter of time. About two years ago, Dante got jealous of his wife getting into business with her ex boyfriend who happened to have his own mob connections. Then things came to head when Dante believed Lulu was cheating on him with another old flame of hers when they went off together to save her brother(s). Lulu lied to him of her actual whereabouts on the insistence of her parents (Luke and Laura). Dante tracked her down, saw a messy hotel room where he got the wrong idea, and with a little push by her cousin Valerie, hopped into his own marital bed with her. Ouch... Well, eventually Dante found out that his wife did not cheat on him after all yet he did on impulse and realized "oh crap, what have I done!?" mistake. He tried to cover it up, lied to his wife until it blew up in his face: Lulu was devastated and left him. I don't blame her. After another round of miss-signals and sleep with the cousin again with revenge to get rid of Valerie (not death, more of leaving town) in hopes of reconciliation. Recently, there was an attempt but... well... the night sadly ended with Dante and Lulu signing the divorce papers.

I honestly believe that somewhere down the line that there would be a reunion. It happened before and it can happen again. Dante and Lulu were not just your ordinary lovers, they were also a team.

Long Live Mötley Crue

Goodbye to the band I grew up with. We were born the same year (1981) and my earliest memories are watching their music videos on MTV. You guys made me dance, sing along, relate to my moods, you were there when I wanted to bang my head. You made me laugh with your sense of humor, cringe in disgust and respect when reading your book, made me cry with your pain and cheers of joy. I saw you live twice- in 2009 and for the final time in 2015. After 34 years, you made your mark to be unforgettable. Thank you. I will always be loyal, I will always use you in the rotation of listening to music, I will cheer when the one day you'll be inducted into the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame and be first in line whenever your autobiographical movie The Dirt comes out. I love you guys- Nikki Sixx, Tommy Lee, Vince Neil, and Mick Mars. Go out big, go out strong, you brought the scars that will forever remain that no concealer could make dissappear. You closed your own door and are opening four new doors of new beginnings and outlook. Look back on Motley Crue with proud, pride, accomplishment and legacy. We will never forget

Rest in Peace Cynthia Lennon

How I heard the news: On April 1, 2015, I woke up late morning (like at 10 AM or so) and, as I do pretty much every morning, I check on the Beatles' Wives & Girls Facebook page. It was the day to change the header and profile picture to Linda McCartney as she had passed away in April. Usually April was Linda's tribute month. Facebook was done. Then off to Instagram for Beatles' Wives & Girls I went to do Picture of the Day featuring, once again, Linda but as a goofy funny picture as it was April Fool's Day. I saw Julian's picture of Cynthia with candles and I thought 'Oh how sweet!', never did I thought that it was In Memory kind of pictures until I saw a comment about her being dead. Wait a minute....I had already posted the Linda goofy picture up and.... I checked twitter and typed in Cynthia's name in the search. I had hoped that the Cynthia Lennon is dead thing was a horrible April Fool's joke, that maybe, just maybe, something was going on. Sure enough, I saw Cynthia's death announcement. The final reality was Julian's memorial page he had set up for his mother. I was just shocked. Immediately, while my hands started to shake, I went back to the Beatles' Wives & Girls social media (Facebook, Instagram, Twitter) to change everything from Linda to Cynthia. Apparently, Cynthia had died that morning after a short battle with cancer. Just exactly one week before her only son's birthday. Ouch. Also she died on the same  day as John Lennon's dad Alfred too. But it's Julian's birthday without his mother for the first time that made it really sad. 



I suppose it's not exactly a big secret that Cynthia Lennon was and still very much is my favorite Beatle wife. Even though I don't exactly have a site that's 100% dedicated to her as I do for Olivia Harrison and Isabel Gillies (not a Beatles' wife) but I do have a 50% site of her sharing with Maureen Starkey Tigrett, Cyn & Mo. Also, here on this blog, there's a very very very long essay I wrote about Cynthia's relationship with John. I intended it to be a short paragraph that grew and grew and grew (I will provide the links at the bottom of this blog entry). Don't get me wrong, I love all, well, almost all, the Beatles' wives - except for one and it's not who you may think it is (it's not Heather Mills). I don't know exactly why I am drawn to Cynthia more than the others. I tend to think it's because she's the least known? But she's not really the least known. Cynthia wrote two books about her life with John, she was also an artist, she sang a few songs. However, when you say John Lennon's wife to somebody, they instantly think of Yoko Ono. I would have to say 'no, I mean Julian Lennon's mother' and yet, there's always that one person who thinks that Julian is Yoko's child. Eek! Welcome to my Beatles' family education class! Anyway, unlike John and Yoko's In Your Face love story, John and Cynthia's Love story wasn't In Your Face. It was more like a convenient obligation that John had no choice....ughhhhhhh!!!! But that's the overall thing that most people believe. Unfortunately. Back to Cynthia's tribute. Of course, I am very sad about this. However I hope there's a peace of mind too. There's her parents, one of her best friends Maureen Starkey, her beloved husband Noel Charles. And yes, John Lennon. I hope in the afterlife world, Cynthia cornered John and made her peace that she wanted to do when they were both still living. Not about their failed marriage but over John's treatment on their son Julian.
Just when I finally came to terms of thinking Robin Williams and death going together, now I have to come to terms with Cynthia and death going together and at the moment, it hasn't gelled together. I know she's gone. The reality grew more and more on April 1st when May Pang, Yoko, Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, and Olivia Harrison released statements in honor of Cynthia. I wouldn't say that Cynthia's death kicked me in the gut like Robin's death did. She was 75 when she died and she hadn't really been making any public appearances since 2013 at Julian's White Feather Foundation gala after her husband's death. I figured something was up but was more so thinking that she's done with the public eye. I also thought that maybe Cynthia would materialized here and there for Julian's big events but far and few in between.
My heart, sympathy, condolences, everything goes out to Julian, her only child. They were really close, they were like two peas in a pod. Now Julian is an orphan. He's the only Beatles' child (at this time of the writing) to have lost two parents. I don't know how this will affect him now. I do believe he will continue doing music and photography but there's his attitude. Life will never be the same for him now as he lost his biggest support system. But then again, perhaps Cynthia's death will have a silver lining too. It's one of those "wait and see" situations.

The First Wife of John Lennon (essay)

Together They Were Forever (poem)

The Hollywoodland Sign Girl

A very sad Hollywood story: a successful Broadway actress from New York (born in England) named Peg Entwistle who moved to California to follow her dreams. Instead she encountered failure after failure from her auditions and the one movie that Peg did manage to make, her scenes ended up on the cutting room’s floor. Depressed, Peg climbed up the H on the famous Hollywood sign (at the time it was Hollywoodland) and immediately jumped off, committing suicide. Ironically, after her death, Peg got an offer to appear as a suicidal woman in a play. Her story always fascinated me as a teenager and I always felt her story would’ve been perfect for a movie. Maybe someday…They say that Peg haunts that area with her perfume.

Goodbye Robin Williams

I have to say, Robin Williams' death knocked the wind out of me. I suppose it wasn't a complete shock if you really think about it- he had depression, he was a drug addict. But that said, it seemed that Robin was able to overcome his demons and turn it to art with his comedy skills and talent. All my life- up until August 11, 2014- Robin Williams was there. He was working on Mork & Mindy by the time I was born, growing up to watch syndicated reruns and his movie career. He filled up so many stages of my life as a child, teen, adult with cartoons, comedy and drama. I remember watching Aladdin in theaters and elementary school, Dead Poet's Society in high school, Patch Adams one summer during a getaway trip and guest starring on one of my favorite TV dramas. Robin was a genius, quick and great comedic timing, he was comforting in a trusting way. It's not going to be the same without him- no awards show, talk show, movies or anything. It will feel empty like someone is missing- that'll be Robin. My heart, thoughts and condolences are with his family, I always admired the way he expressed love to his 3 kids. Na nu na nu, safe travels to Ork... I like to think that Robin is joking with Christopher Reeve and his idol Jonathan Winters. Thank you Robin, you'll be forever missed.

Come Back, My Guardian Angel

Every time I think of you
memories haunt me
the dreams felt so true

My eyes shed it's own tears
listen to my cry
with your ears
tears drain into my eyes

A night bird sings
spreading it's wing

Being in love enough to inspire
very deeply to admire

It seems that I never let go
my heart never felt so low
I want to let you go

My Guardian Angel, whom I believe
a special bond that has been conceived
the memories will never leave
all the thoughts that I grieve

The angel is stuck in my heart
not knowing when to leave

Come back alive, to me
so I could see
for the beautiful image that I remember
keeping memories alive, not to fade

I will always think about you
my love will always come true

You didn't deserve to die
of all the time that goes by

I know that you will always be by my side
to have all my troubles go down slide
But, I want you back to be with me
this isn't what it was meant to be
for me to lose you

Originally written in 1998; revised in 2002
In Memory of David Alvarez

The Mirror of Yourself

You look in the mirror
do you sense fear?
How do you really know if you are happy?
From not being too sappy
what is your reflection trying to tell you?
Look at your face, you are turning blue
you are hiding something from me
trying not to let anyone see
You are like a balloon floating with no air
having reasons that does not seem fair
A haunting feeling that eased into your mind
the troubles are making you blind
All you want to do is to disappear
do you ever look at your true self in the mirror?

Originally written in 2000, revised in 2002