Where is My Life?

Fed up with my patience
turning to my conscience
trashing around the bay
without knowing what to say


Everybody telling me the story
wishing for all the glory
in my life to be perfect
however I am away causing a conflict
crying in vain
feeling my tears drain
closing my eyes from the lecture
dizzy from this torture


Wanting to be left alone
biting my skin down to the bone
trumbling with anger
risking the edge towards the danger


Lost in the words of the sea
not letting me to be free
trying to make me do what I don't want to do
they don't get my clue


They are trying to make me crack
by putting me in the sack
trapped because I won't break down
digging into my soul to the ground
letting me drown in my blood
creating an emotional flood


Stealing my misery in space
not wanting to look at my own face
sorrow has reached my eye
listening to my heart cry
crawling away in gravel
hoping that the tension unravel


Depressed most of the time
increasing the thoughts in my mind
alone in the darkness with a knife
Where is my life?


Written in 2002.
I wouldn't say I was being suicidal... overdramatic, but not suicidal. At the time, I was around 21 years old and still wasn't driving. My whole family was flabbergasted to put it kindly. They had all gotten their licenses when they were 15, 16 years old and here I was, 21 and no license. Unlike them, I just did not want to drive. I was scared. I was, and still is, the only one who lived near busy streets and those are not easy to practice on! The rest of them were raised and lived in areas that were quiet, residential. Plus, a guy that I had a massive crush on died in a car accident when he was 17 (I was 16) so that really put a damper on driving. It took me until I was 22 to finally get a license. I like going at my own speed and apparently my own speed never impress my family's qualifications. I suppose it's safe to say that I am the black sheep of my family? The weirdo.

Not Understanding the Flowers in My Heart

My lips want to burn against yours
sparks would fly around the room
full of twinkling lights that are stars in the air
A perfect match would have been made
at that moment
The petals of the rose are still together
for the hope
Everyone else says it's just a phase
they don't care about the inner feelings
that are deep in the heart
They all think that the feelings will be forgotten
why would they say a thing like that?
There are all kinds of definitions of love
They just don't understand me
they are too busy with their lives
not paying attention to mine
I'm experimenting the feelings that are welled up inside
feeling like a dried flower lying on the cold floor
lonely, used, and old
the bloom spirit died into the dust
there is no way back to health
trying to breathe the damp air
The room is still, so dark
no life was to bring this flower back
All spirits left without a trace
all gone, all alone, with no where to go
Lying on the floor
long forgotten
Regrets fly around the room
thirst for water, being drowned by air
That flower is my heart
People do not understand my feelings for you
so fragile to keep inside
Secrets to keep in my heart
disappointment comes through
telling me to be open, honest
Still, they don't understand


Written in 1998
Ah me, as a teenager and being heavily influence of the lyrics by Stevie Nicks, Courtney Love, and raging hormones.

Escape

Escape
but where?
Anywhere is possible
to find the answers that need to be solved

Escape
away from the hard hand
the hand that rules with an abusive fist
Run too fast, causing a rapid heart beat
carry the tradition to freedom

Escape
to find the way to explore different situation
reach high up to the northern star
Find a route to find the way home
hide when it is possible to...

Escape
to the freedom
the right

Escape
to the freedom
that is to be served
Find the way to express the right
keep the faith that has the right to take over

Fight for the freedom
Fight to escape

Originally written in 2000

Social Media Pet Peeves

I have Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Tumblr (MySpace too but I admittedly abandoned it once it got out of fashion and it got hard to navigate with so many "upgrades" it went through).

Understandably with social media, entertainment fans tend to set up an account dedicated to a favorite entertainer. I myself am guilty of making a few fan accounts of my own. However, on Instagram especially, a person will start using the fan account in question and turn it into a personal account. I can't stand that! Sure, they will post a picture to go with the account theme but the caption would be completely different. Instead of reading a fact, debunking a myth, sharing a quote or whatever, I would read something like "I got a big test tomorrow and barely studied!" or "I think my boyfriend is cheating on me, so I am cutting his head out of my pictures" or something. I apologize but if I want to read something personal about the person, then I'd follow their own account to get their own life story and dilemmas. But no, I am following a fan account that likes to talk about themselves rather than their subject. I have sworn to myself that I will never turn my fan accounts into my life story. It's what my personal account/profile is for. I am okay with expressing opinions and musings about the entertainer in question because it's about the entertainer!

Driving Pet Peeves

I hate when I am driving and all of the sudden a car on the opposite side of the road in a turning lane would look like it's heading right at you! That scares me and without fail I would quickly maneuver my car to avoid getting hit. Can't that driver wait until I am completely out of the way? It takes a couple of seconds, it wouldn't kill them! When I need to make a turn without a traffic light, I wait until I have a nice gap so I can go and not be hit.

Another thing that bugs me is that I would be on the turning lane, waiting to turn but it would take awhile when an apparently dare driver honks to say Go! But an incoming car would be coming quickly and you just know that if you do go then you will get hit. Geez, I will go as I damn will please! I am not risking my life so that the car behind me can be first in line. If don't like it, go around and try yourself.

95% of the time, I like to make my turns and U-turns at the light. Feels more safer.

At a parking lot, I would be backing out of the parking space, thinking I am safe with no one behind me (or someone who wants the space but gave you back up room is fine too) when all of the sudden, a car would drive by! Slam the brakes! What the hell???? Didn't that driver see me backing up? Rude! Couldn't at least politely stop and let me finish backing up so I can leave.

That Southern (Un)Charm

It's all over the media- Twitter, Facebook, forums, blogs, etc. regarding Paula Deen's past slur (mainly the "n" word) from a lawsuit filed by a woman against her and her brother's restaurant. I'm actually pretty vague about the details other than hearing that the Food Network, QVC, and some other companies that Paula is a spokeswoman firing her. I'm not exactly a fan of hers and it's not because she used the "n" word- although I'm not surprised either. I did give her a chance years ago as she was a very popular on the Food network but she didn't charm me. So I carried on with the cooking shows that I do enjoy. I would usually tolerate her whenever she appeared on my shows (including Top Chef when she did come on) but that's enough I can take. I've seen her battle with Cat Cora on Iron Chef America with the battle Sugar- a perfect vehicle for her as she's known for her sweet and fatty tooth. Of course she and Cat won the battle.
I think her high empire started to unravel when it was revealed that Paula was diagnosed with diabetes. Her dishes were greatly scrutinized (one in particular was making a doughnut sandwich with a fried egg and bacon and so on that would make you not only gain 50 pounds but also cavities popping everywhere in your teeth by just hearing about it) and critics got louder, coming out of the woodwork. She also got Anthony Bourdain on her tail. Paula swore that she would make her dishes more healthier and be dedicated as a spokeswoman for diabetes, promote a healthier lifestyle. She also lost some pounds.
Now the old timer Southern that slurs is getting herself into hot water yet again.  

Escape

Escape
But where?
Anywhere is possible
to find the answers that need to be solved
Escape
away from the hard hand
the hand that rules to the abusing fist
Run too fast, causing a rapid heart beat
carry the tradition to freedom
Escape
to find the way to explore a different situation
Reach high up to the Northern star
find a route to find the way home
save the sleepy hollow on to route
Hide when it is possible to escape
Escape
to the freedom
to be right
Escape
to the freedom
that is to be served
Find the way to express the right
keep the faith that has the right to take over
Fight for the feedom
fight to escape

Originally written in 2000