Where is My Life?

Fed up with my patience
turning to my conscience
trashing around the bay
without knowing what to say


Everybody telling me the story
wishing for all the glory
in my life to be perfect
however I am away causing a conflict
crying in vain
feeling my tears drain
closing my eyes from the lecture
dizzy from this torture


Wanting to be left alone
biting my skin down to the bone
trumbling with anger
risking the edge towards the danger


Lost in the words of the sea
not letting me to be free
trying to make me do what I don't want to do
they don't get my clue


They are trying to make me crack
by putting me in the sack
trapped because I won't break down
digging into my soul to the ground
letting me drown in my blood
creating an emotional flood


Stealing my misery in space
not wanting to look at my own face
sorrow has reached my eye
listening to my heart cry
crawling away in gravel
hoping that the tension unravel


Depressed most of the time
increasing the thoughts in my mind
alone in the darkness with a knife
Where is my life?


Written in 2002.
I wouldn't say I was being suicidal... overdramatic, but not suicidal. At the time, I was around 21 years old and still wasn't driving. My whole family was flabbergasted to put it kindly. They had all gotten their licenses when they were 15, 16 years old and here I was, 21 and no license. Unlike them, I just did not want to drive. I was scared. I was, and still is, the only one who lived near busy streets and those are not easy to practice on! The rest of them were raised and lived in areas that were quiet, residential. Plus, a guy that I had a massive crush on died in a car accident when he was 17 (I was 16) so that really put a damper on driving. It took me until I was 22 to finally get a license. I like going at my own speed and apparently my own speed never impress my family's qualifications. I suppose it's safe to say that I am the black sheep of my family? The weirdo.

My Imagination

I have a strange imagination
very hard to explain the ideas
Pretending to be someone else
in another time era
Pretending to invent someone in fiction
trying to picture of what the future would bring
Having my own little world
a place to escape and relax
To be able to smile and create
up to the temperature to the right degree
Reaching up to my imagination
knowing that my mind is a thousand of miles away
Rephrasing a memory
eyes replacing it's vision from the real world
To the fantasy world
a feel to make you feel small
a dream that makes you feel big
Imagination that no one can control
it's mine only
no one else to have
My feelings of happiness and pain
trying to search to get out
My imagination is a dream
a far away look in my eyes
It takes me longer to reach reality
my very own imagination
to shine like a star
to slide down the rainbow
Bright as a sun
glowing like the moon
A far cry from the special destiny
a dream that can not be taken away
Something to have is a part of you
sometimes it's hard to understand
only I could
My imagination contain things
some that will never happen
Crying and laughter is in
like a butterfly flapping it's wings
spreading it's color, like a peacock
Ideas come fresh to the head
never to forget that piece of mind
wherever when it blossoms
The events can go on for months
maybe even a year or two
The pain to reach down under
hopefully to disappear
To love or to hate
questions will come at any point
Just my imagination
only I could bring it to myself
The keys to success of hard work
only steps have to be taken
time by time
Crossroads will happen in life
joining to steal of togetherness
Stories form together in the head
My imagination
which is only just for me


Originally written in 1998, revised in 2002.
When I was writing poems in those days, I was trying to be suave, like I knew my way around words, and jotting down things that came to mind. It sounded great at the time. Today? Well, other than thinking that I was showing off over 20 years ago, I have to say that it's still not that far off either. My imagination is still just that- my faraway getaway.

Running Against the Rain

A feeling grew inside of her
she grabbed my hand for support
So we ran outside to hide
a strange look on his face
Running down on the damp cement
across the rocky street
a shoe flew across the field
Rain poured down like sharp needles
the moon disappeared behind the clouds
no light was shown anywhere
Thunder pounded against the dark sky
lightning got closer and closer
No shelter was around to protect us
his steps grew louder and louder
we continued to run, fast
She tripped down the rock
tears, water, and blood dripped down
from her fact to her princess gown
I didn't know what to do
leaves caught in my hair
she wanted to bury herself
He approached us, slowly and carefully
She was scared
Suddenly, he put his arms around her
she put her limp body on him
I watched, crying
he whispered in her ear
she was holding him tight
The rain poured down their drenched clothes
I left, leaving them alone
I looked back
they were kissing on the wet grass
I walked across the field
back towards the house
My princess gown was in ruins
my curls were in knots
my shoes were lost somewhere in the wind
but I was happy
after I got into the house to join the party
I looked out of the window
they were still there
holding each other with a passion
the moment was unforgettable
feeling so real
I sat down on the sofa, wet
mesmerized by the scenery
The rain grew stronger by the minute
thunder and lightning were bolted around
the party was panicking and pacing
I ignored them, looking at my dear friend
who was once frighten of her boyfriend
but now, she is all right
finally returning to her engagement party
that has always been her dream


Originally written in 1999, got reworked done in 2002.
I must have been reading too many romance novels or something at the time? Heavily influenced by Stevie Nicks and I was trying to write a romance novel in poem form.

It's Only Sunday

Waking up in the morning
I could hear the day that started hours before
staring at the ceiling
asking myself, "What should I wear?"
I got up from my bed
I turned around to look at my pillow
it looked so welcoming
"Why not?" I asked myself
and so I went back down
it's only the weekend anyway
so why not?
It's probably some time early afternoon
but I don't care
I am very comfortable
my fairy tale dreams came back to life
through my closed eye lids
back to the wonders of daydreaming
I play another person
or I make believe
Why not stay here for the rest of the day?
It's only Sunday
the last day of the weekend
a day to rest for tomorrow
Sunday
A day that is meant to rest our body
sorry to the early birds
I'm very comfortable
nothing will move me
Besides, it's only Sunday


Written in 1998
And yes, I loved sleep. I still do. Not a morning person here!

Not Understanding the Flowers in My Heart

My lips want to burn against yours
sparks would fly around the room
full of twinkling lights that are stars in the air
A perfect match would have been made
at that moment
The petals of the rose are still together
for the hope
Everyone else says it's just a phase
they don't care about the inner feelings
that are deep in the heart
They all think that the feelings will be forgotten
why would they say a thing like that?
There are all kinds of definitions of love
They just don't understand me
they are too busy with their lives
not paying attention to mine
I'm experimenting the feelings that are welled up inside
feeling like a dried flower lying on the cold floor
lonely, used, and old
the bloom spirit died into the dust
there is no way back to health
trying to breathe the damp air
The room is still, so dark
no life was to bring this flower back
All spirits left without a trace
all gone, all alone, with no where to go
Lying on the floor
long forgotten
Regrets fly around the room
thirst for water, being drowned by air
That flower is my heart
People do not understand my feelings for you
so fragile to keep inside
Secrets to keep in my heart
disappointment comes through
telling me to be open, honest
Still, they don't understand


Written in 1998
Ah me, as a teenager and being heavily influence of the lyrics by Stevie Nicks, Courtney Love, and raging hormones.

But I Always Felt I Was

I wasn't around when the Beatles met
I wasn't around when the Beatles made their first record
I wasn't around when the Beatles first landed in the United States
I wasn't around when the Beatles made their first movie
I wasn't around when the Beatles performed their last concert
I wasn't around when the Beatles broke up
But I always felt I was


I wasn't around when John Lennon died
I was born nearly a year later
I have mixed feelings about that
Half is glad, because I didn't get to feel the raw pain
Half is sad, because I wasn't around during his lifetime
But I always felt I was


When December 8 comes around
my house grows gloomy
my mom remembers
the anniversary of his tragic death
she has this sadness in her
the radio is filled with his music
I sing along
the TV is filled with footage of his life
I watched
but then, I feel the same sadness that my mom feels
I started to cry
because the pain is that strong


Then November 29 comes around
it felt like a normal day
but something is missing
then I found out why
the next day, it was announced
George Harrison died
It was during the aftermath of September 11th
it was the only day that no one spoke about a war
instead it was quiet with only music playing
realizing that there are only two left


I never felt so empty
I never met them
yet I always felt that they were a part of my family
I grew up listening to them since birth
I spent most of my life learning about their lives
I managed to see Ringo Starr in concert twice*
I fought my way to see Paul McCartney in concert
despite my life's schedule
but I would do anything to see one in concert


Now, I still feel that empty pain
Every time I see a movie or listen to a song
it's there and it won't go away
But then again, the Beatles could never leave
there may be only two left with us
but there will always be the Fab Four among us
Forever


Written in 2002
*update: I have seen Ringo Starr now 4 times and also Paul McCartney 4 times. Other than that, nothing else has changed. Still all valid.

On the Road

My feeling goes through a pressure
something I am not sure
I'm on the road all the time
I have been cut down from my prime
My family and friends who I miss so
but I have to do this show
On the road, it could be fun
but I am afraid to be shot down by a gun
Strangers and company surround me
I didn't really that there's so many places to see
On the road, it could be hell
I think it would be better if I fell
this tour is making me feel hate
and losing my strong fate
Oh, please, get me off this awful road way
I will promise to stay away
On the road to boredom
this is not my freedom
from my own magical kingdom
which I hope to come
I need to be in therapy
that is where I want to be
I don't want this to be my life code
so I gotta get away from the road


Written in 1998
I was watching way too much of "Behind the Music". Dedicated to all the musicians who find that life on the road is difficult.

It Seems to Be

I try to reach you every hour
our bond is losing power
You keep disappearing away
I'd have no idea what to say
Only out of the blue
do I hear from you
But, it seems that you are pulling away
you want to go your own separate way
I keep pinching myself, hoping that this is just a dream
now, I'm getting used to talking to your answering machine
It seems that you have nothing to do with me
the reasons are not hard to see
You are not there when I need you the most
you are beginning to be like a ghost
You are the same person, yet different
you are making me feel like I am not important
I feel like that I can not trust you anymore
you never acted this way before
I do understand your point of view
but, I just not able to reach you
You are a wonderful and generous person
I only can't get most of your attention
It seems to be that you want to change
not letting us know that you rearrange
For another life to enter
putting someone else in the center
Nevermind the pain you made
to the unknown future you laid
It seems to be you moved on without me


Written in 2000


UPDATE
But now, you are back
we could all relax
I know that you are in pain
he broke away from your chain
Having you back in our arms
bringing back to the familiar charms
All of us are happy for you
this can not be true!


Written in 2002
Dedicated to my Grandmother and her ex-boyfriend.

Stairs Are My Enemy

Flashback: when I was 12 and in the 6th grade, it was raining and dark on a school day. At the time, it had those “portable” classrooms as an expansion to the main school. The classroom had these steel-like stairs. I suppose I thought I was rather invincible and so as we were leaving to go to the cafeteria for lunch, I jumped one by one on the stairs. On the final step down, I slipped and fell. I got up and proceeded to follow my class for lunch. At first, I didn't feel any pain- perhaps I was in shock and denial. During lunch, I felt my left foot starting to throb in pain. I wasn't too worried, after all, I expected pain from that kind of fall so I ignored it. Not long after we returned to class, the pain grew worst enough to go to the office to call my mom to pick me up. I had to go in the dark rain to and back, mind you. I called my mom and she left work to pick me up. She always been puzzled on why didn't I call my grandmother? She was living down the street (across from where we lived) so yes, it did make sense for me to call the closest relative for help. Except, I didn't want my grandmother. I wanted my mommy. Well, my mom worked pretty far, maybe 40 minutes away and had to go through the dark rain to get to me… it was at that moment that my mom decided we needed to move so she could be reasonable closer in case of another emergency. I went back to class to wait for the intercom announcement (that was always cool to hear your name over the speaker telling you to go home… not so much to report to the office). Anyway, Mom took me to the hospital. She wasn't happy either. Not just because of the long distance from work to school, but on how I wasn't wailing in pain. I guess she thought my foot was broken and heard, “When I broke my leg, I cried!” However, I didn't think my left foot was broken and was okay when I didn't move it. But something was wrong! At the hospital, I did X-rays and my foot was sprained. It got wrapped and I was given crutches. I took a good week off from school and was watched over by my grandmother.

Recent: on Thursday night (Jan. 24th) a slight deja Vu happened… this time, it was in a home, on carpet covered stairs, and I wasn't jumping. I was concentrating on my chores, which was to take out the garbage for the next day’s pickup. I was about midway down when I lost my balance, slipped, and slid down the stairs, landing on my right foot. It hurt so bad right away! No delayed pain or shock, it was instant. I got comfy on the couch, got my foot elevated with an ice pack. It was very clear that I wasn't going to work the next day… On Saturday, I couldn't take the pain anymore as it felt much worst, I was getting to the point of believing my foot was broken, so to Urgent Care I went with my mom meeting me there. I even drove there myself, using my painful foot although my left helped pushing down the brake pedal. As it turns out, my foot wasn't broken. It was a bad sprain. I was given bandage, a splint with icy gels in, and prescription medication, as well as orders to rest. No work for me until Friday.

To this day, I've never broke any bones, but both my feet have been through sprains (25 years apart). Thanks to my enemy: the stairs.